Jokes Jokes Archive > Political > If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord

If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord

   My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

   My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

   My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

   Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.

   The artifact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity.  It will instead be kept in my safe deposit box.

   When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

   I will never shoot my enemy just once, then turn my back on him and leave the room.

   When I establish a necessary supply base on a planet, I will first be sure that there are no indigenous life forms.

   If I intend to make the hero fight for his life against a Huge Ugly Disgusting monster, I will have more than one of them.

   When I have captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say "No." and shoot him.

   After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

   I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary.  If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "DANGER!  DO NOT PUSH!"

   I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to over throw me.  I'll do it myself.

   I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum.  A small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well, and has room service.

   I will be secure in my superiority.  Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or by leaving my enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

   I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident.  I am not accountable to anyone and nobody would believe it anyway.

   I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of mercy.  I just, quite simply, choose not to show any.

   One of my advisors will be an average run-of-the-mill five-year-old child.  Any flaws in my plan that he can spot will be corrected before implementation.

   My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

   The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

   I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.  If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into action.

   I will design all doomsday machines myself.  If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will first be certain that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he cause.

   I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

   When the rebel leader asks me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" my reply will be, "No, just sensible."

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Last updated 2004-04-11