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Bumper Stickers
"Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?"
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."
"When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty."
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
"He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged."
"She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower."
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you."
"I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges."
"Honk if you love peace and quiet."
"Pardon my driving - I am reloading."
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
"Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
"Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back."
- From a garbage truck in Cambridge, MA.
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats! They taste just like chicken."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car!"
"Tow-ers will be violated."
"Montana - At least our cows are sane!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you!"
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He/She who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
"I souport publik edekasion."
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'till you can find a rock."
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!"
"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!"
"I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met ."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I intend to live forever... so far, so good!"
"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!"
"Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States."
"Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of."
"Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have."
"Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion."
"The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."
"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!"
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The jokes posted in this site were not composed by myself and I claim no copyright for them.
This page and it's content, except where otherwise noted, are copyright ©2004 by Jim Watts.
Last updated 2004-04-11