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The Facts of Life
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Deja Moo - The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
Truism: If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people, too: They have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.
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The jokes posted in this site were not composed by myself and I claim no copyright for them.
This page and it's content, except where otherwise noted, are copyright ©2004 by Jim Watts.
Last updated 2004-04-11